Chapter 12                                  

 

Melanie comes jogging towards us, hugging Zoey first, then Ant, and then approaches me. She looks as if she’s not sure if I’m a “hug-y” person, and to be honest, I’m not—but she’s different. I hold out my arms a bit, and while it’s awkward, it’s an invitation nonetheless, and she takes it. She’s warm against my chest and I can feel her curves through her clothes, and I’m not overwhelmed by perfume or anything like that. She smells like drying leaves and strawberry shampoo. I like it.

“So glad you all made it,” she says once we pull apart, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “The hot dogs have just been taken off the grill, and I’ve got a veggie burger cooking just for you, Zoey. So what do you think, Ant? Should I give Shiloh the property tour?”

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            “Mel…Mel!”

            She blinks awake, sitting up straighter in the chair she had pulled up beside my bed. She looks exhausted as she wipes the sleep from her eyes. “Mhm? What is it?”

            I take a deep breath- I know what I’m about to ask is probably ridiculous, but I have this weird feeling that this may be the last time I… remember her. “I… I want to go to the lake. Just one last time before…”

            She looks at me for a very long time, just the heart-monitor beeping and her breathing. But finally she stands up, and instead of telling me no, she leaves. I see her catch my doctor at the stairwell and say a few words to her, and they both look over at me for a moment. Then Dr. Roswell nods.

            Once all the other tubes and IV’s are removed and I struggle into a sweatshirt and jeans, I sit down in the wheelchair. Melanie wheels me down and helps me into the Suburban. The air is warm and humid, charged with the upcoming storm, but right now it’s calm- no rain yet. As soon as she’s closed the door behind me, stuck the chair in the trunk and got in the passenger side, we set off. My head is throbbing and my vision is blurry; I can hardly see the dark road ahead of us, but I can’t imagine anywhere else I’d rather be. I glance over to the dashboard clock: 5: 29 AM. The sun should be up soon.

Melanie’s just staring out at the passing fields, her hands gripping the wheel hard, her face unbearably sad. Her hair’s falling messily around her face and down her shoulders and the occasional streetlight casts lines of orange down her profile. I don’t speak to her because I’m afraid to break the silence and I want to keep the energy I have left for the dock.

After an hour or so of quiet driving, we make the final turns through the fields and I can see the lake up ahead. The little wooden dock stretches out into the dark water, and when we pull over and I open the door, I’m hit with an explosion of noise, of cicadas and toads and crickets and everything.

“Don’t get the chair,” I tell her, because I see her making towards the trunk. “I don’t need it.”

Using the frame of the car, I hoist myself out. My legs nearly crumble beneath me but I grit my teeth and straighten. Mel comes over to me and offers her arm- I take it, and together we slowly make our way down the gravel and sand.  I stumble every few steps and it makes my body ache, but I’m not using the goddamn wheelchair. But finally we get to the end of the dock and we sit down, our legs dangling down until our bare feet touch the water.

“Thank…you,” I tell her, forcing my brain to put together the words I’m looking for.

“It was nothing- I was hoping to come up here with you again.”

“I wasn’t… thanking you for this.”

She looks up at me, confused.

“I’m thanking you for… helping me live.” I reach out and take her hand in mine, our fingers knotting together. “I… lived more in the eleven months I’ve… known you than I ever did in seventeen years. And you know what? I don’t regret… anything, because you’ve… you’ve made me so goddamn happy, Melanie…happier than I thought I could ever be. That’s… that’s what I’m thanking you for.”

I feel her stiffen, and when I look at her, she’s crying. I put my arms around her and she scoots in closer to me. She’s so warm and I’m so cold that I just want to hold her forever, never let go until I’m healthy again.

After awhile her shaking and crying stops and it’s quiet again. It’s now that the sun starts to rise over the opposite trees. It climbs up, spilling gold across the sky like paint, and I’m struck by how beautiful it is. This is something I can’t experience in a hospital- I can’t feel the first warmth, I can’t hear the morning birds cry out, I can’t smell the dew and I can’t see the broken clouds, turning amber at the tips and making way for the light that’s running across the reflections in the lake. I almost want to die right now, right here, right now- better to die happy than scarcely alive.

“I love you, Shy,” she murmurs suddenly. Her breath bursts against my sweatshirt.

“I love… you, too.”

Her hand tightens around mine and she sits up a bit more, leans her head on my shoulder. “You know what I think?”

“Wh…what?”

“I think that we’ll be able to stay together somehow. I think impossible things can happen.”

I smile into her hair and look out onto the lake. “I… do, too.”
            She pulls away and peers up at me. “You really believe it?”

“I think… we- we could… could do anything we…we wanted to, Mel.” I can scarcely get the words from my mouth now. The pain in my head won’t stop and every now and then my vision will blur out. But I’m happy. It’s weird, being so happy and hurting so much at the same time- it doesn’t feel possible, but I am.

We sit until the clouds obscure the rising sun and thunder cracks off in the distance.

Mel stands first, wipes her eyes. “It’s going to start raining soon- we should head back before it catches us.”

“Yeah.” I try to get up on my own, but my legs won’t work, so she leans over and helps me up. I lean on her shoulder and we trudge back up towards the car, and by the time we’ve closed the doors and pulled out, it’s started raining. It pounds against the roof and runs down the windows, raindrops racing each other down the windshield, some sliding down with ease, others catching and running together along the way. It takes me awhile, but I realize that we never stopped holding hands- she’s driving with one hand, the other firmly grasping mine as if this was one of the last times she ever would. She looks beautiful in the grey- sad, but beautiful. The shadows from the rain streaks fall on her, casting silver cracks across her cheeks.

She takes her hand away from mine, though, when we get into Vincennes. We pass through a few side streets, and then the glow of stoplights shine through the storm outside. The one ahead of us is green, so she doesn’t slow down. But neither does the car to our left.

“What the hell is he doing?” Mel says, glancing over. “Doesn’t he see that-”

There’s screeching breaks and spraying water now- for a moment, I turn. Melanie’s looking at me, outlined in the headlights. Her eyes are wide and her mouth is open, maybe saying my name, though I can’t hear anything over the breaks.

Then it hits us.

Glass breaks, shatters- Melanie screams. Metal’s grinding and we’re reeling through the air, crumpling, wheeling, yelling. I close my eyes and pain explodes, sharper this time- my breath catches and there’s more breaking, more crunching, more ringing. I see the cornfields, the lake, the dock- I see us sleeping in the back of the Suburban by the ocean. I see Grandma and the sewing circle, I see the quilt, I hear Ant laughing and nearly choking on his coke. I see Zoey and her big smile, Lucas’s baseball cap, his arms around my neck as I carry him on my back. I feel Dad’s arms around me, I see Melanie smiling and giggling, pulling her hair back with her red kerchief. I see our first kiss under the fireworks, our second on the island, the all of them at once. And then there’s just the rain.

 

Drip, drip, drip.

 

“…two-car accident: drunk driver…”

 

Drip, drip, drip.

 

“…Two teenagers in the second car…”

 

Drip, drip, drip.

 

“…No, we’re not getting any response from either of them…”

 

Drip, drip, drip.

 

It hurts. It hurts so much- I can’t breathe. Everything’s blurry, red- there’s broken glass, wreckage… everywhere. We must have been thrown from the car.

 

Drip, drip, drip.

 

“Come on kid, wake up!”

 

Drip, drip, drip.

 

I see her. She’s on her back, her eyes open, blood clotting around her hairline.

 

Drip, drip, drip.

 

“…Need an ambulance, please!”

 

Drip, drip, drip.

 

All I can do is reach forward a little. Just move my hand a few inches, just close enough that my finger can touch hers in the puddle of bloody water.

 

Drip, drip, drip.

 

I feel it twitch a little, but her eyes stare blankly up at the bruised-up sky.

 

Drip, drip, drip.

 

I follow her gaze, feel the drops hit my face and run down my hair.

 

 

 

…See you there, Mel.